Has Anyone Seen My Fanny?

Excerpt 3

The agency was located on the seedier, less chic part of
Melrose. It was wedged between a politically correct adult
book store called PC Porn and a New Age place called
Window to Your Sole, which specialized in magnetic pyramids,
yogurt enemas, and two-inch lifts for short actors with
Napoleon complexes.

Glockneeb and Moose entered the makeshift office. An
older woman at the reception desk was talking on the phone
with her face turned away from them. Posters of “B” and “C”
movies covered the walls, mostly rip-offs of successful mainstream films,
such as: The Good, the Bad and the Sultry; Planet
of the Babes; The Unborne Supremacy; Alvin & the Nip and Tucks;
Blazing Side Saddles; No Nookie for Old Men; and Harry Putter and
the 19th Hole.

The woman hung up the phone and looked up at the boys.
They were startled and taken aback because the woman was
at the very least in her eighties. She had obviously gone under
the knife for extensive trowel work way too many times. Her
face was so tight she had no expression at all. Mannequins
looked old in comparison.

As she spoke, she began to flirt with Moose. “What can I
do for you boys?” she said. “And by that I mean, what can I do
for you, Big Fella?” directing her attention to Moose.

Without realizing it, Moose swallowed his gum… twice.
As Moose was trying not to gag on his gum, Glockneeb saw
the opportunity to get information and gave his friend an
elbow to the ribs. Moose gave Glockneeb one of those you’re
gonna pay for this later looks, but he understood what he had to

Moose leaned on the desk and flashed the grotesque receptionist a big smile.
“What’s shakin’, baby?”

“Anything that ain’t tied down, Sweet Cakes,” the woman
replied. She licked her lips, which looked like two massive
kielbasa’s flapping in the breeze, and cooed, “What’s your
moniker, handsome?”

“Actually, I’m Presbyterian, but I’m open to all denominations,” Moose replied.

“No, I mean what name do you go by?”

“My friends call me Moose, but you can call me interested,” Moose replied.
“And you?”

“Abigail Pastherprime.”

“I think you passed it several times already,” Glockneeb
muttered under his breath.

Moose told him to show the sexy young lady a picture of
Fanny. Glockneeb pulled a photo out of his pocket and handed
it to Abigail. She gave it a quick glance and then asked them
why they would show her a picture of some guy’s hairy ass.
Moose just shook his head as Glockneeb quickly snatched the
photo of his fanny from her and exchanged it for the picture of
Fanny. Abigail commented that the girl looked familiar, but
she couldn’t be sure because they got hundreds of girls like her
coming in every week trying to break into the business.

Suddenly a woman’s screams rattled the building. Moose
and Glockneeb rushed past Abigail and followed the screams
to a small conference room in the back. They burst through
the door to find a man strangling a young woman while two
other men watched from the side of the room. Training and
instinct took over. Moose picked up the unsuspecting strangler
and flung him across the room. The two men watching started to
move toward Moose, but Glockneeb blindsided them and
knocked them both to the floor. The woman fainted and collapsed
like a wet paper towel.

Moose helped the young woman to her feet. “No thanks
necessary, young lady. It’s what we do,” Moose explained in
his best international spy impression.

The girl was in shock and totally speechless. One of the
men Glockneeb had forced to the ground, who turned out to
be Laurence Longlenze, cleared his head enough to speak.
“Are you two nuts!?” he asked.

“You don’t talk, you sleazy creep,” Moose ordered,
pointing at the man.

“Three guys and one innocent girl,” Glockneeb barked,
“You should be ashamed.” The other man, Marvin Groper,
sat up and rubbed his shoulder as he spoke.
“This is an audition, you idiots!”

“Sorry about that,” Glockneeb uttered in a barely audible
tone. The young actor and actress in the scene moved over to
the door. Moose gave them a wave and commended them.
“You two were really good. I totally bought the whole thing.”

Glockneeb gave them a slight wave as well. “Nice work,
very convincing.”