Has Anyone Seen My Fanny?


The first thing Moose noticed when they got back to the
office was the flashing message light on the phone, indicating
that there were three new messages. He pushed the button,
and the first message began to play back.

“Hello, Moose, this is Doctor Coldfinger, your proctologist.
I was just wondering if you’d be interested in having
lunch with me next week.”

Moose’s buttocks tightened slightly as he quickly hit the
number 9 on the phone to delete the message.

“That was a little creepy,” Glockneeb commented.

The next message began to play back. “This is your landlord,
Buford Slumrenter. I still haven’t received the rent for
this month. Please give me a call at your earliest convenience.”

“Well, let’s hope that the third time is a charm,” Moose
commented as he waited for the last message to begin.

“Hello, my name is David Letitfester. I’m the chief security
officer here at the Mall of Burbank. Could you give me
a call as soon as possible? Due to short staffing, we require
the services of your company.” Moose immediately returned
David’s call. He chatted with him for a few minutes and then
hung up the phone.

“Well?” Glockneeb inquired.

“He wants to meet us tomorrow morning at 9:00 to discuss
a job that he needs help with.” Moose looked at Glockneeb
and grinned ear to ear.

The partners left the following morning, leaving plenty of
time to get to the Mall of Burbank for their meeting. They arrived
at the mall and located the directory. While perusing the store
location map, they noticed the You are Here symbol. They spent
fifteen minutes arguing with each other as to exactly where
here was before they finally found the location of the security
office. Following cordial introductions, Mr. Letitfester began
by explaining that due to recent cutbacks, he was understaffed
in the security department. They believed that recent upsurges
in thefts within the mall were being perpetrated by one individual,
and they needed help to identify and capture the thief.

“That’s where you guys come in.”

“How long do you think this will take?” Moose asked.

“Well, that depends on just how good you guys are at
doing your job.”

“We’re the best in the business,” Glockneeb commented
with a touch of arrogance.

Mr. Letitfester filled them in on the particulars of the
recent crimes and signed the Letter of Engagement with the
Sunset and Crime Private Investigation Agency. After shaking
hands, Moose told Mr. Letitfester that they would begin the
following day.

Excitement was in the air as they prepared to take on
their first real job as partners. They spent most of the evening
putting together their plan, which included disguising themselves
as “ordinary people” so that they would blend unnoticed with the
other shoppers. Since the two of them were “ordinary” anyway,
this part of the plan was a no-brainer. The next morning they
arrived at the mall a few minutes after it opened. The plan
called for them to enter opposite ends of the
shopping complex, so Moose let Glockneeb out of the car near
the east entrance. He then drove around to the west side and
parked the car. He sashayed through the entrance disguised as
“mister ordinary shopper.”

After Glockneeb entered the east side, he casually raised
his sleeve near his face and said, “Testing, testing, do you read
me, Moose?”

“Who is this?” was the response he heard back in his

“It’s me—Glockneeb!”

“Oh. What do you want?”

Glockneeb hesitated for a moment and then said, “Never
mind, I just confirmed what I needed to know,” wondering if
Moose had already forgotten the plan.

Glockneeb located one of the stores that had been hit
previously and strolled into the shop to get the lay of the land.
He profiled the customers and determined that no one looked
suspicious. He left the store and sat down on a bench just
outside the door. Using a newspaper as a prop, he pretended to
read the paper while he performed surveillance on the many
passersby, paying especially close attention to anyone entering
this particular store.

Meanwhile, at the west end of the mall, Moose was
scoping out another shop that had previously been targeted.
Pretending to be a customer, he casually entered the I’ve Got a
Secretlingerie store. One of the attractive saleswomen noticed
him fondling a periwinkle thong and became suspicious.
She approached him and asked, “May I be of service to you,
sir?” Remembering what his fortune cookie had read, Moose
immediately assumed that she was coming on to him.

“Well, gorgeous, you could try on this thong and maybe
we could have dinner and a night on the town together,” he
cooed with a twinkle in his eye.

His attempt to woo her went over like a lead balloon. She
called her manager over and soon a scene was brewing as
Moose took offense to being called a pervert.

“Unhand me, madam!” He ordered the store manager,
pulling away from her grip. The commotion continued to
escalate, so the saleswoman picked up the phone to call security.

The entire female sales staff was preoccupied with
surrounding Moose to prevent him from getting away,
unaware that they were also leaving the store vulnerable.
Amid all of the hoopla, Moose noticed a tall, slender man
in a trench coat stuffing his pockets with store merchandise.
Moose raised his arm and shouted into his sleeve,
“Code Fishnets! I repeat, Code Fishnets!”

As soon as Glockneeb heard Moose’s message, he knew
that their thorough planning meeting was paying off, and he
immediately headed to the opposite end of the mall. As the
man in the trench coat left the lingerie store, Moose moved to
follow and apprehend him. The staff, however, not knowing
that their store had just been burglarized, surrounded Moose
and attempted to restrain him until security arrived.
With his manhood now in question, Moose struggled against all the
beautiful women who were holding onto him until he finally
broke free and ran out the door. He quickly scanned the area
and spotted the man running toward the escalator. Before
he could give chase, Moose was tackled from behind by the
gaggle of saleswomen who now wrestled him to the ground.
He thought he could use his superior strength to get them off of
him but they were hell bent on keeping him pinned to the floor.

He was beginning to have a panic attack when Glockneeb
came upon the scene. “Ladies, ladies, allow me!” Glockneeb
said to the girls as he flashed his baby-blue eyes at them.

There was a collective gasp when he casually unbuttoned
the top two buttons of his shirt to expose his bare, shiny chest.
Feeling safe and secure with such a man in their presence,
they immediately released Moose from their grip.

“My name is Glockneeb Graymatter. I’m with the Sunset
and Crime Private Investigation Agency, and that is my
partner that you have in your custody. We are working undercover
to apprehend the man that has been stealing from your
store. Here are my credentials.”

Moose rose to his feet and said, “Ladies, it’s been my
pleasure meeting all of you, but I really must excuse myself. The
bad guy is getting away.”

None of the girls heard a word he said. They were all still
drooling over Glockneeb, who played them like a fiddle as he
handed each of them a business card with his personal number
written on the back.